COURAGE, BRAVEHEART

I was chatting with someone the other day and they said something that both shocked me and saddened me. They said there isn’t a single solitary person in their life that they could be their real and authentic self with.

Knife stab to the heart.

“Wait. No one?”

“No, because people don’t actually want authenticity. They don’t actually want someone to really be themselves or to really know them deep down. And if they say they do, they’re lying.”

Ugh, wait say whaaatttt!?! What a hopeless and pessimistic view on life and people in general. I was absolutely dumbfounded by this way of thinking. It is so foreign to me but instead of judging it, what I really wanted to do was understand it better. So I spent some time thinking about who this person is, the environment they came from, what they’ve experienced in life that might cause them to think this way. I looked at their friends and the relationships in their life and tried to think about their perspective. And this is what I concluded…

This way of thinking is nothing more than a coping mechanism. A way of protecting oneself. Something I like to call the porcupine mentality and I’ve seen it in a number of people I’ve met. Usually people who grew up in difficult homes with some sort of abuse or some lack of safety or security that began at a young age and continued into young adulthood. Here’s the porcupine mentality:

“If I hurt you or push you away first, that means that you can’t hurt me or push me away because I’ve already done it to you. That’s how I keep myself safe.” 

And this coping mechanism comes about because in the past, maybe when that person was brave enough to open up and be their honest authentic self with someone, that person (or those people) that they chose to go there with, betrayed that trust. They shamed and broke that trust. Those who were open were rejected for their honesty. Perhaps made fun of, laughed at, or told they should’ve known better. So over time, they learned to put up a wall. Tell themself it just wasn’t safe. That keeping the truth hidden and covered, protected in a safe glass case for no one else to see, was the way they’d survive and never be hurt again. So they put a brick wall around that glass case, sealed the roof and decided it would be better to keep it there hidden from the rest of the world than to ever share it again with anyone.

Double knife stab to the heart.

And maybe for years, people try. They chip away small little pieces of that brick wall. Maybe one brick comes loose. But then, someone full of fear quickly runs in to repair the damage. The new brick and mortar fortify and reinforce the wall, restoring it to a solid standing fortress. No one is getting in.

Fear is an interesting thing. I talk about fear a lot because I think it keeps you from so much good in life. So does worry. And wanting to fit in. I call these things the STOPPERS or CLOSERS. They STOP you from moving forward. CLOSE you off from being open. STOP you from connection. STOP you from trying new things. From believing in yourself. They CLOSE off your ability to grow. From righting the areas where you’ve been wronged in the past, so that your future can look different. Whether it’s your own worries, your own need to feel validated or valued or fear placed on you from others; they are CLOSERS in life. They keep you closed off from experiencing all life has to offer.

I used to have my own brick wall erected. I cared so much about what other people thought, and to be honest, it kept me from so much JOY in my life the past however many years. From authentic joy and honest connection. With myself. With others. With the world around me.

Joy to be myself. To express who I authentically am. To be fearless. To take chances. To talk to a stranger. To do something poorly and it not be devastating. To be the one who’s too loud or who asks too many questions because of an insatiable curiosity I feel inside. To be the one that may be misunderstood or is given a funny look for not being cool and doing the right thing all the time.

Can anyone else relate to this?

If you can, then I also know that you are exhausted, friend. And I know that because I too was exhausted. Living that way is exhausting. The more I became out of touch with myself; the less I knew myself and the more time I spent trying to please others and care about what they thought about me instead of what I thought about me, this fear and need to be acceptable started to creep in.

And I’m done with that. Because you see, I don’t care about the unhealthy opinions of others anymore. Or being judged by them. It’s why I dance through the woods on a crowded trail and don’t care if someone notices or thinks it’s weird. It’s why I sing to my hearts content even if I wish my voice was better, it’s why I sit with the homeless person and talk with them and pray with them regardless of the looks I’ll get, it’s why if I feel like doing a yoga pose in the middle of a cathedral in Ireland, imma do it. It’s why I paint, because I don’t care about the outcome and I’m not trying to impress anyone anymore.

I DO IT FOR ME.

Because I love it. Because it fills me up. And gives me joy and satisfaction. Because it makes me feel connected to the Lord and it makes me smile ear to ear. And I encounter glorious things when I’m open like this.

And slowly but surely, when you do this, the brick wall will start to crumble. The mortar will give way. The facade will fall away. And brick by brick, the wall will turn into a pile of rubble and the truth that has been safe and protected in that glass encasement, won’t have to be hidden anymore. You won’t have to be hidden anymore. You won’t be exhausted anymore.

In Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT) is says, 

²⁸ Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.³⁰ For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

And maybe, step by step, day by day, maybe even then, you will be brave enough to remove the glass case and all that will remain will be the truth of who you are. You’ll be able to look at who you are honestly with Jesus. You’ll finally stand there open and free, with your own truth and THE truth, no longer imprisoned in a prison of your own making. And you friend, will be real. Authentically known for who you are. And it will be good.

In John 8:32 (NLT), Jesus says,

³² And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

So this is why I will continue to act and dance and write and sing and play and climb trees and swim in lakes and scream when I see lightening bugs.

Because this is me being authentic. This is me being real. And this way of living, this is it. The marrow of life. And I’m all in.