COURAGE, BRAVEHEART

With it being Halloween this past week, this felt like a perfectly appointed title for the topic I wanted to discuss. I wanna talk about recognizing TRICKS versus TREASURE in your life.  This week something happened. Something I wasn’t expecting. Something I didn’t quite know how to handle. Something that felt like a trick. We’ve all been put in this scenario before, right? Where something throws us off balance and leaves us more than a little shell-shocked. Have you ever been there? Don’t worry. Me too.

So this unexpected thing happened. I’m sure you’re wondering, “Oh man, what awful thing was it?” And you know what? It wasn’t an awful thing at all. It was actually an incredible thing. An amazingly profound, enlightening, perfectly good thing that I had specifically been praying for for quite some time. And you know what? I couldn’t see it clearly. And not only could I not see it clearly, I didn’t know how to handle it. Even though it was a good thing, it still threw me off kilter and left me questioning whether this was a trick or distraction or Satan trying to confuse me and get me off course. I had made a plan and this. This was not part of the plan.

In fact, it caused a lot of crazy things to come to the surface for me. Things that I thought I had a handle on. Triggers that, in my mind, shouldn’t bother me anymore. Things that frankly, I felt pretty darn sure I had conquered. Nope. Wrong. I haven’t conquered them. In the last week and a half, I have been tested and have come up short in the growth department. Now, this isn’t me getting down on myself, but more just gauging where I’m at. This good thing made crazy fear well up in me. I felt entirely confused. Overwhelmed. Felt like my heart was being pulled in two different directions and I that if I was looking at the thing on paper, it was so blatantly obvious which I should choose (both my parents and my sister told me this), but it was not where my heart was being led. It caused major doubt for me again. Doubt in trusting myself. “Come on, Stef. I thought we had this thing under control.” It caused doubt in me trusting my instincts. Trusting my feelings. And the thing about feelings…I am learning more and more (even though my mother has told me this time and time again and I just kinda shrugged it off as something mom’s say) is that our emotions, if not in check and not measured up against the truth can lead us way off track.

The good thing that I had been praying for was a job opportunity.

I was in Ireland for three months this summer and I knew coming back I was going to have to decide where I was moving to begin again. And now being a single lady again, I was going to have to get a great job to provide for and take care of myself. There were two options: Nashville or Los Angeles. Both fantastic choices. You can’t go wrong, really. While in Ireland, I was wrestling with choosing the “right” one. I just felt the Lord say, “Stef, you can choose. There is no right or wrong choice.” So I chose Nashville.

My heart leapt at the thought. I love Nashville. I love the South. I love country music and southern accents (especially on a guy!), lightening bugs and the lake, being barefoot, porch sitting and unsweet tea with a splash of sweet in it, thank you very much. I had a laundry list of why this was the best, most life-giving, and you guessed it, “right” choice. Besides the other things, the heart things I just mentioned, it was also practically speaking, more economically viable, I had my sister there, my mentor, a church I loved, two of my best friends and a thriving and hungry community of filmmakers that I had spent the better part of the past two years growing my relationships with. That and maybe down the road I was going to meet and fall in love with a country singer. Hey, a girl can dream, right!?! So I was fully on board and counting down the days until I was back in the South! I had even called my friend Adam to see if he could connect me with his brother, who might be able to get me an in at a production company. I wanted to move in that direction and thought it might be the right fit. And it would certainly be better than a restaurant job. ANY restaurant job. Now, I just needed to find said job, an apartment, a roommate and a car and I’d be set. Ya know, just a couple major life things. No stress.

• Side-note: Things like that could indeed feel incredibly overwhelming. But if/when you trust the Lord, and I mean really trust Him, trust that He is in control and He’s working all things for your good, then you really don’t have to strive and stress. You can just be diligent with the things He places in front of you and just walk forward one step at a time. I fail at remembering this ALL THE TIME. But I’m just a work in progress over here.

When I got home from Ireland and declared that I was moving back to Nashville, everyone was excited for me and the new chapter ahead. That is until I got the news that my ex-husband had recently moved back there. I was a little surprised considering how much he despised Nashville while we were still together and living there. I mean, he hated it. But he had chosen to go back there and I was makin’ my way South for the winter. Now, it wouldn’t have been my first choice to have us living in the same small town, but it also wasn’t make it or break it for me. I thought plenty of divorced people live in the same town and I believe the Lord is always very intentional with what He’s doing, so there must be a reason we were both going to be back living there. Still, in my uneasiness I prayed,

“Lord, if Steve and I being in the same town would hinder either one of our growth and ability to move forward in any way as individuals, then let one of our jobs take us out of Nashville.“

Verbatim that’s what I prayed.

Jump forward to being out in Los Angeles for a dear friends wedding where I got to see countless faces of people I love and have missed the past three years. I got to spend time doing some of my favorite things: laying on the beach in the sunshine, swimming in the ocean, eating at all my favorite local spots, deep talks with my best friend and having EVERY SINGLE meet-up I had with people who are near and dear to my heart end with someone encouraging me in my career or talking about finding ways to work together, or offering to take my writing and scripts to people in the industry as a means of helping me get my work out there. Because they believe in me. In my writing. In my being a storyteller. I was speechless at the love and support, the encouragement and the ways doors seemed to be flying open. People kept saying, “I think this is your year, Stef. I think there are big things in store for you.” “What a crazy moment this is,” I thought. “I hope this allows me to get my writing out there and in some way can give me the push to be directing more. That would be amazing!! Thank you Lord for the ways you are connecting the dots.”

Then, on my last day there, one of my friends who owns a production company called me and said,

“Stef, after you left, I was thinking about what you were talking about at dinner last night, and I know you’ll probably say no, but Clau and I were both thinking about you and when we woke up this morning we both had the same idea. We are hiring someone right now to work at our production company. This is what we can pay you and it would be putting you around the right people, it would allow you to know the other side of the business, we have to put out three films this year, and we could get you moving forward on the things you want in terms of your writing, directing and acting. And by the way, the person who was in this position a year ago, is now one of our full-time producers. We know it’s probably a no, but we thought we should offer it to you just in case. Think about it and let us know.”

Again, speechless. “I’m sorry, what!?!” It. Was. Blowing. My. Mind. The next thing that happened was a crazy spontaneous flow of a billion different thoughts.

“No way. That’s not the plan. I’m going back to Nashville. I have to. Abbi is there. Rachel is there. Anne is there. Man, but I don’t have a job or a place to live. I think I could find a place to live here in LA pretty easily. I know a bunch of girls have already offered. Plus, I felt like when I prayed, the Lord told me I was supposed to live in Cheviot Hills. Cheviot Hills? Where the heck is Cheviot Hills? Is that close to this job? Taking this job would mean I would have financial security and a job working at a production company, like I had said I wanted. And with my friends no less! How weird is that? That’s what I said I was going to try to look for once I got back to Nashville. And now I’m being offered that here. This is crazy! And I was just getting sad about having to leave LA because I’ve had such a full time since I’ve been here. But I’m going to marry a country musician. Really, Stefanie? Are you? No, this can’t be real. It is too good to be true. It’s literally everything  have been saying I wanted. This was too easy. It can’t be this easy. It’s never been this easy. Things have always been really hard. I don’t trust this. Something has to be wrong. This is a trick. It can’t be trusted. Why would they offer me this job? I’ve never worked in production. Could this ruin our friendship? There’s gotta be a catch? I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe they’re just saying that but they’re going to change their minds. What if I hated it and then I changed my mind? What if it’s too expensive and I’m not being financially wise or responsible? What if I don’t actually get to make my stuff because I have a 9-6 job? When will I write? In Nashville at least I know people are hungry and making things and if I’m going to write and direct, I can at least start on a small scale that way if I fail, it’s  not as big of a splash.“

Now I’m going to pause.

I know that was a lot of information, and I just wanna say thanks for sticking with me through this long-winded story. But the reason I’m telling you all the minute, tiny details is because they are important and so significant to what God is doing. To the master tapestry He is weaving and has been weaving all along.

All these fears; all these questions popping up. Red flags and triggers and excuses and what if’s. This was the way my old brain worked. The one that hasn’t been fully healed and renewed and strengthened and fortified. And that’s the brain I was working from. So, an unexpected thing came up and my brain started throwing every fear-based, doubtful, let me give you reasons why it won’t work or why it was the wrong choice, BS at me. And I was flooded. I just thought, “this is Satan trying to distract me and get me off course. I am going back to Nashville. That’s it. That’s the plan. End of story.” So I got in my car to drive the 6 hours back to Arizona and thought about the job the entire time. I pondered and prayed. Plotted and planned. Talked myself out of it, but had this little thing in the back of my mind saying, “What if…”

Joseph Campbell wisely says, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” 

Mmmm. Mmmm. Joseph Campbell, you brilliant man you. And isn’t this so true. Here I was being offered just the thing I wanted. The job I had specifically prayed for. This was the job. This was the answer to that prayer and out of fear and worry and the unknown, I almost rejected this good thing, this treasure the Lord had clearly laid before me. I had almost traded truth for lies. All because I was allowing something to creep in from my past experiences. Those past hurts have colored the way I see the world and in turn, they have colored the way I choose to respond to it. It took other people in my life, those closest to me (thank God!) and those I sought counsel from, to take the away the pain cracked glasses that were marring my view, in order to see the treasure that was laid out on a red carpet before me. Forgive me, Lord that I couldn’t see it. Thank you Lord that you surrounded me with others that could see it so effortlessly. That you for answering my prayer and for surrounding me with all good things. This, Father, is a good good thing.

Today, I was reading a devotional and this is what stood out to me:

Prayer is about a relationship with God, who happens to be a loving father. Just as a loving father would not give his daughter a snake when she asks for a fish or a stone when she asks for bread, so our loving Father will not try to trick, disappoint, or punish us in response to our requests. If you’ve ever earnestly asked God for something good and instead received something devastating, you need to hear these words from Jesus. Prayer is relational. Your Father loves you. Keep praying, because He cares about your wellbeing. He wants you to continue to draw near. It’s not a formula that works exactly the same every time; it’s a relationship. And your Father’s end goal is to bless you. Lean into that as you pray. 

Matthew 7:7-11 says, “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. You parents – if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him.”

I think this is where keep on keepin’ on comes from, wouldn’t you agree? Who knew!?! 🙂

But seriously, God is not in the business of tricking. Let me repeat that.

“GOD IS NOT IN THE BUSINESS OF TRICKING. HE IS IN THE BUSINESS OF BESTOWING TREASURE.”

And not just any kind of treasure. Treasure beyond our wildest imaginations. Treasure bigger than the dreams we hold deep within our hearts. Treasure so glorious and so tailor-made for us, that it’ll blow our socks off. Treasure found in the person of Jesus and the salvation He freely and lovingly gives. He is the ultimate treasure. And all the other things, like the perfect job you couldn’t even think to ask for, or the cutest vintage apartment with all your favorite things like hardwood floors and a fireplace, or the vintage 4×4 car you’ve been dreaming of your whole life…yeah, sure. Those are treasures and maybe even one day realities. But they are nothing compared to the ultimate treasure of Jesus and the ways He wants to show up and blow your mind because of His goodness and faithfulness.

Matthew 6:21 says, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

So Lord, attune my heart to yours. I am beyond thankful for this job. I am excited to be stepping out in trust into the place you are calling me. My heart is beyond grateful for the ways you have shown up and answered my prayers. And I know you’re just getting started, Father. But keep my heart satisfied in you and you alone, Lord. Help me to continue to trust and believe and know that any and all the treasures you give come from you and your storehouse of wealth and goodness. And anytime I feel like I’m being tricked, please take away those shattered glasses and help me to claim what is a lie and what is truth, and then just continue moving right along into the treasure that awaits me. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! I’m ready.