COURAGE, BRAVEHEART

The past couple of weeks have been incredibly challenging for me.  I have had an overwhelming amount of anxiety and this week*…well, this weeks it’s gotten exponentially worse.

Now if you’ve had anxiety, you know how debilitating it can be.

Sidenote: My ex-husband had an anxiety disorder and so I have experience being around it, but I don’t think I could really understand the extent of what he was going through until more recently.

So this anxiety has been affecting me in a multitude of ways. It’s affecting my eating habits, my sleeping habits, me feeling incredibly overwhelmed at work. It’s affecting whether or not I want to hang out with or spend time with people…it’s really been shutting me down and I don’t like the way it feels.

In fact, I hate it and I want it to go away. Yeah, bye, Felicia!

A little anxiousness. Okay. Fear. Fine. Worry. Sure. Concern. No problem. Those are all things have I been familiar with. But full blown anxiety?? This is brand new for me. And truth be told, if I really look at things, I know it’s not coming out of the blue. I’ve had A LOT of insane things happen in the past three years, which would be completely accurate in understanding why I would now be experiencing anxiety.

Here’s a taste: I’ve moved five times in three years, across three different states, I separated from my husband and went through a divorce, I got jobs where I wasn’t making enough money, I moved in with a roommate after ten years of living with a spouse, before moving home to live with my family for a year. I solo traveled through Ireland for three months, I have lost family members, there’s been cancer with loved ones, I have had financial struggles, there have been health related issues, my grandmother checked herself into rehab at eighty-three years old, I changed all my plans and moved back to LA on a whim to work at a friends post production house, (which truth be told has probably been a big part of my anxiety) and I now live alone and feel lonely and work all the time, and the list goes on and on…

So to combat this little villain who has snuck its way into my life, I have been trying everything. I’ve been calling friends to talk through it. Taking epson salt baths. Going to sleep earlier. Having calming tea before bed. Taking CDB oil. Magnesium. Meditating. Going to yoga. Listening to Christian music. Praying. Reading scripture. Going for walks.  Using melatonin before bed and taking Gaba to help my mind focus and even out my anxiety.

I did some of this last night and today* I naturally woke up after an eight hour night of sleep (the longest in awhile) and I felt good. This was going to be a good start to the day. But as soon as I parked in the parking lot at work, out of nowhere, anxiety punched me right across the jaw, causing my ears to ring. And I don’t just mean a little blow – I mean full-blown fear-inducing anxiety.

This one I am talking about comes in a very specific form. Where my heart was racing. I was having trouble breathing and I felt like I was in physical danger, even though I could rationally tell myself I was safe. I was panicking and had to sit in my car until it dissipated. And even then, I was thinking about it for the better part of my day.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had this happen, but I sometimes (maybe six times in my life) have this thing happen where something dark creeps in and causes an irrational amount of fear for my physical safety, while sitting in a safe room with no one else around. It’s actually really hard to explain. It’s like a dark fear, something deep and seedy and something that feels like it’s going to overwhelm me, take me over and swallow me whole.

Sidenote: I have gotten this “feeling” with specific people in my life. Strangely, it’s usually a celebrity of some sort (weird I know), but the most recent one that I felt today was from someone I personally know and have spent time with (that’s a first). The thought of them brought this on. Maybe it’s a warning. Maybe it’s Satan attacking my mind. Maybe it is showing me a little portion of how dark their life really is, so that I might have some empathy to pray for them and also safely keep my distance. I’m not really sure.

But when it came on today, I felt like I was in a really good spot! This past week had been riddled with anxiety for me, lack of sleeping, worry, unable to get my mind to stop racing, worry about the future, finances, future relationships, the idea of grabbing a coffee with someone of the opposite sex and somehow that means I am committing my life to that person. Silly sounding, I know. But its there none-the-less. But I had a great morning. I got good rest, I was on time, I was listening to praise music and felt mentally stronger than I had in a minute. And that’s when it came on. Satan is an a**hole like that. In the moments where you feel tough and solid, he comes in and knocks you off of your sturdy footing.

So anyway, back to sitting in my car. I was feeling super scared. Like irrationally scared, so I ran to my devotional and opened it and the scripture for today was this:

Matthew 6:25-34 (New Living Translation)

25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Sigh. Yes, Lord. Yes. This is what I need.

“Do not worry, Stef. Do not fear. For I have you. I will certainly care for you and your needs. Every single last need. No matter how big or how small. I’ve got them all. I AM your provider and protector. Come to me when you are scared. Come to me when you need comfort. Come to me when the darkness feels like too much. For I am light and light ALWAYS conquers the darkness.”

Lord, thank you for your word. You word brings comfort. Your word brings peace. Your word brings life. You word is reassuring. Your word is full of hope. Your word promises you are trustworthy. Your word promises that everything you do is in love, bearing in mind what is best for us – your people.

Thank you, Lord, that you are the calming remedy to my anxious heart. The calming remedy to my anxious mind. Thank you that you are the one to settle my thoughts and renew my mind. Lord, when the anxiety is too much…you are the answer, Father.

You are always the answer, Father.

Help me to run to you first. For in you I find my rest. For in you I find my shelter. For in you there is safety. For in you I am made whole.

* This blog post was written about 3 weeks ago, but I’ve just gotten around to posting it now. Instead of changing it to fit today, I thought I would leave it as is.