COURAGE, BRAVEHEART

There is a common theme flowing around me. A character flaw I have recognized in many of the relationships I see. Some of my closest, actually. But the only reason I have been able to recognize this flaw in the relationships around me is because I recognized it in myself first. Ugh. I hate to admit it, but it’s true and I’m all about truth here, so we’ll just continue laying it out.

This character flaw I am talking about is the hurtful, soul-crushing, flesh-tearing flaw of judgement. Ding ding ding.

J U D G E M E N T

The word itself makes me cringe. And with it comes a bevy of negative connotations.

If you look up the word judgement, it means rushing to form a negative opinion without reason. (Gut punch.) The adjective judgmental describes someone who forms lots of opinions — usually harsh or critical ones — about lots of people. (Double gut punch.)

A few years ago, my sister brought to my attention that I was indeed judgmental,  and in NOT the most sensitive way, I’ll add. We were in the middle of a heated fight when she said, “You are highly judgmental of people. And you’re highly judgmental of me. I can feel it ALL THE TIME.” I scoffed. “What!?! Who?? Me!!??!! I am not!!!” I was fuming. Enraged. I immediately outwardly rejected the thought, but inwardly I tried to run to a corner and hide.

“Oh no. She sees it too!,” I thought to myself.

You see, deep down, I knew that character flaw was there. It was something I felt in me too. An icky part I hated about myself. Something that had ballooned up over the years that I was trying desperately to hide or ignore. Sure, I knew that I was judgmental. Isn’t everyone to a certain extent? “Nice, Stef. That’s makes it okay.” (Insert eye roll here.) But her saying it was a punch to the gut and more than that, it was a cut to my pride. I fumed because you know what? She was right. Because it was true. There was a part of me that was highly judgmental (it’s still a work in progress but I have come a looong way) and I couldn’t help but take a closer look at what she was saying to me.

So being the curious, nerdy, research heavy person I am, I decided to deep-dive into judgement. I came across an article that listed 9 traits of highly judgmental people and this is what they came up with:

• You rate others based on their appearance *
• You constantly gossip about others
• You form opinions of others based off what people say
• You assume people are lying without evidence
• You rate people based off the people they hang out with *
• You leave no room for mistakes or forgiveness *
• You are disgusted with people who disagree with you
• You maintain a negative outlook or mood
• You always take other peoples inventory *

Well, ouch! Okay, so when I read this list back in the day, the ones that stood out the most to me as things I personally needed to work on were these:

• Rating others based on their appearances – I hate to admit this, but I still do this at times. I have to consciously choose to care less about people’s appearances than what my natural inclination is, and instead to focus more on their internal traits.
• Rating people based off of they people they hang out with – You ever hear that saying that you are made up of the five people you spend the most time with? Me too and it just makes sense, so I rest my case on this one. But it still sucks that I do this.
• Leaving no room for mistakes or forgiveness – this is definitely one I have grown leaps and bounds with even though it used to be difficult to forgive someone when I had a high expectation of them and they let me down. That didn’t leave any room for mistakes or forgiveness. This is probably one of the biggest ones my sister was talking about.
• Always taking other peoples inventory – And this one. I would think to myself, “If I was in their shoes I would never…” Fill in the blank. I expected them to do things exactly the way I would. To make the choices that I would’ve made. The “right choices.” That’s a horrible way to be. And let me tell you, people feel that. My sister felt that.

One of the biggest symptoms of being too judgmental is the idea of holding others up to your own moral standards (yikes!) and labeling them according to your own expectations. Again, I cringe at the amount of times I’ve done this. But when we do this, all we are doing is looking at the flaws in others, because maybe it makes it easier to avoid looking at and taking responsibility for our own actions. Or maybe there is something in us that is similar and that is triggering for us, so we reject it.

I’m sure you’ve heard it said before that the things we judge others for are really just a reflection of the things we don’t like about ourselves. But instead of tearing ourselves apart outwardly, we instead choose to focus our attention on someone else and point out their defects out of fear or jealousy or pride or immaturity. We then use that information we have extracted to form an opinion and therefore determine a person’s value based on that thing. Sometimes without even taking the time to really get to know who they are.

Double yikes. Totally guilty of that.

So back to judgement. What is judgement really?

I believe that judgement is really just FEAR masquerading itself as being better than someone or something else, in order to not show its true colors. Because if that fear was to really reveal itself, that would mean it was weak. And no one likes weak. You ever hear of anyone picking the weakest person for their team? Of course not. So we in turn, do this with “emotional weakness” as well. We leave them behind. Last one is a rotten egg. When we encounter this “fear” or we see it coming, judgement decides it’s going to put up this wall of division. This separator says, “I’m keeping you over there, at a safe distance so I can control you. And if I can control you, then you can’t hurt me. So you stay over there because we are different and you don’t get me and I don’t get you. And now we’re separate and whew, I’m safe.” When fear does this, all it is doing is protecting itself from having to get close to anyone, having to do the hard work of trying to understand anyone and in turn, preventing authentic connection in any and all relationships.

So that’s one side of the judgement coin and the other side simply comes from a lack of understanding. Man, this was so true for me when I could actually see it for what it was. When I judge a person, more times than not it’s simply because I don’t understand them. I don’t understand something about them. I don’t understand why they are doing what they are doing. Why they are making the choices they make.

I also don’t understand how I feel about them or the situation, which makes me feel out of control. So that in turn, triggers judgement in me as a means of once again, protecting myself. Because their way of doing something; where they come from; their way of thinking, is foreign to me and so out of my norm, that it throws me off and leaves me grappling with questions that I can’t answer.

And that makes me feel stupid.

It makes me feel inadequate. It makes me feel like I should know better, or if I was smarter then I would understand. But the problem is, I could understand or not and still NOT judge, if I simply paused. If I simply took the time. If I simply took a chance to hear them out. Hear their story. Get to know them and where they come from.

Because the truth is, when you know someone’s story, when you know their history,  99% of the time, it completely makes sense why they choose to do the things they do, why they behave the way they do and why they respond in certain ways. It really does all make sense.

Can you relate at all? Yea, me neither. (Insert another eye roll here…geez, lots of these today!)

Isn’t this crazy to think about!?! It felt like a really profound, mind-blowing thing when I took a deeper look and saw judgement for what it really is: FEAR. Plain and simple. Oh man, does that make so much sense on so many levels.

No wonder I judged that girl who made me feel insecure. No wonder I judged the experience and didn’t even give it a go, on the off-chance I failed and looked stupid. No wonder I found an excuse to not go on that date in case they rejected me or it became another disappointment in the long list of disappointments. No wonder it’s easier for me to point out and pick apart the flaws in another person, rather than turn the mirror on myself. No wonder I can’t accept them for who they are, when I can’t even do that with myself. And the list goes on and on.

But friends…that fear. That attitude. That judgement. That harshness.

It’s only keeping you from growth. And connection. And vulnerability. And authenticity. And truth. And honesty. And ultimately love, which is what all of these things are wrapped up in. And isn’t that really what we all want?

I know I do. I want ALL of those things. Every single last one.

But it starts with recognition. It starts with honesty within yourself. It starts with calling a spade a spade and then choosing to do something about it. It was only when I was able to finally take a step back and look at what my sister was saying…when I chose to be brave enough to say, “You know what? You’re right. I am judgmental and that sucks about me. And I don’t want to do that anymore.,” that I was actually able to do something about it.

So friends I ask you this: where is there a spirit of  judgement in your life?

And maybe a more important question is: who are you being judgmental towards? Maybe it’s towards yourself? Self love is a game-changer, by the way. Think on that. Get all up in that if you haven’t already.

Maybe it’s someone else? Maybe it’s that girl in your bible study group who always has the “right” answer? Maybe it’s the friends whose life seems “picture perfect” and make you feel like you’re an eff up? Maybe it’s someone who has more money than you? Or the better job? Or your dream car? Or the baby that you’ve always wanted but are struggling to have? Or maybe it’s the newly single mom who comes to your kids baseball game like she’s going to a bar to pick up men and your husband can’t stop looking at her?

Instead of judging her. Instead of judging them. Why not, seek to understand them? And in the midst of it, why not seek to understand yourself better. What is it in you that you don’t want to look at? What are you really afraid of?

And friend, if the answer is you are actually afraid of connection? If it scares the living heck out of you – please, find someone who is safe that you can share that fear with. We were not made to be islands. We were made to lean on and support one another. We were made for connection. God hard-wired us that way because HE WANTED CONNECTION with his creation. And if we are made in His image, like it says in Genesis 1:27, then we are all meant to be inter-connected with Him as well as each other.

So, COURAGE, my beautiful BRAVEHEARTS!

Don’t let judgement stop you from connection. Don’t let fear stop you from connection. Don’t let anger or pride or jealousy or envy stop you from connection. Stand up and step out into bravery. Because bravery, no matter how big or how small always leads to truth. And the truth always results in FREEDOM.

So go! Break free!