COURAGE, BRAVEHEART

Recently, someone I knew and cared about left this world. Her name was Regena and she was my sister’s boyfriend’s mom. And she wasn’t just my sister’s boyfriend’s mom. She was SUCH a light in and to this world. I’ve always described Regena as someone who was meek, faithful, strong, soft and gentle, yet a spark plug. Whenever I left my time with her, I felt my spirit had been ignited and encouraged in such a profound way. I only got the pleasure to experience her a handful of times, but man did she leave an impact on my heart. And I know that wasn’t only my experience with her, but the experience of many others who had the privilege of knowing Regena.

When someone dies, it leaves a void. Regena has left a void. She had been battling breast cancer for the second time and was a literal warrior. I have A LOT of warrior women in my life who currently have cancer. Regena did. One of my dearest friends Rachel does. My childhood nanny and second mom Mary does. Another friend of my sisters. All of which myself and my family pray for on the daily. And that’s just the list of people currently battling. Don’t even get me started on the people in my past who have battled with this a**hole of a disease.

I’ve been surrounded by cancer my whole life. My grandma died from cancer, my cousin had leukemia, my dad’s had it twice (and has thankfully beaten it), my uncle had skin cancer, multiple family friends, my grandfather lost his battle with brain cancer years ago. And the list goes on and on. I’ve also been surrounded by death my whole life. Some of those I’ve mentioned above and then some were friends who passed away far too early in high school to suicide, in college to car accidents, addiction and one friend whose body was mysteriously found in the LA river early one morning, without any answers as to what happened to him. More death followed into my late twenties with friends losing countless babies before their lives even started and others who have unexpectedly lost spouses in the blink of an eye. It’s been heartbreaking to say the least.

Not only did Regena pass away recently, but so did my uncle John who had had advanced dementia for the past seven years. He contracted COVID and died within three days. Just like that. Gone. Being surrounded by all of this sickness and death lately has had me thinking a lot about my own perspective on death and how it’s shifted and changed over the years. Death is inevitable. If you are a living creature, we all will experience it at some point; some sooner than others. The way I used to feel about death was mostly sad. Was it the death itself that felt sad, or the great void it left, or the empathy felt for those left behind? I think it was a combination of all of these things at one point, and still is to a degree. So there was always this sadness that accompanied the thought of death along with the finality that death itself brings. 

But the older I’ve gotten, the more loss I’ve experienced, and the more I’ve come to have a greater understanding of the Lord’s goodness, the more I feel at peace with death and that it’s actually not as final as I once thought. It really is more of a stepping stone or a gateway into the life we’ve all actually been waiting for. This life here…it’s just momentary. A doorway. A “dash” someone once called it growing up. Or as I like to think of it, the opening act to the final show. Now some of you may be thinking, “Hold up. Come again?? Oh no, she’s lost her mind and has really gone off the deep end with this one.” But hear me out…If you are a Christian and you believe there is life after this one, and that this is our momentary home where we are just passing through, then perhaps this makes sense to you. But for those of your who have never thought about this, then the concept might seem silly or even down-right crazy to you. “What do you mean this is just the opening act? This is all we’ve got friend! Live it up! We have no idea what is next.” 

Do you think about death? How often? What do you think of death? How does it make you feel? Scared? Curious as to what’s after this? If there is anything after this. These are questions we have all grappled with and have been searching for the answers to. Some of us may have found them and some of us will continue searching until our last breath. But if you aren’t sure and you feel scared about death or what comes afterwards, might I encourage you to seek and study and find answers so that when your time comes, or your loved ones time comes, you might have peace rather than fear.

I feel at peace about death. For myself. For others. Does that mean I like it? No, of course not. But I do feel at peace with it. What I’ve come to realize is that the Lord, in all His goodness, knows just what is best for us and exactly when it’s best for us. We prayed and believed that the Lord would heal Regena from her cancer, be it on this side of eternity or the other. And as much as we would’ve liked her to stay here with us longer, the Lord chose to heal Regena in His way, which was to take her home. No more pain. No more suffering. No more Dr.’s appointments and medications and needing to sleep from the exhaustion her body was feeling. For my uncle John, no more “living” in the mindless state he was living in. No more pain and no more fear for the rest of us about when he was going to go and worse, how he was going to go. The Lord knew. He knew he would die peacefully in his sleep when he did and I’m so grateful it was that, rather than the alternative most dementia patients face. The Lord’s grace really is sufficient and He, being the sweet Papa that He is, decided to give my uncle John what he needed. And He gave Regena what she needed, and that was rest and the ability to finally be in His presence. How kind and loving He truly is. 

I’m jealous of Regena, in a way. Obviously I love my life and the people in my life and I’m glad for each day that the Lord allows me to wake up and live. But the idea that all of the hurt and pain, all the exhaustion and confusion, all of the worries and sadness and grief we feel here, that all of that will be wiped away and forgotten when we are rendered utterly awestruck in the presence of the Lord…that truly is the heaven we all have to look forward to. And I am looking forward to my day with joyful anticipation.

“For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it.  But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)” – Romans 8:22-25 NLT

And so although death can still have momentary moments of sadness that come with it, when death comes and someone I love goes to be with the Lord, there is also great rejoicing, because I know where that loved one is and I know I’ll see them again one day. And so as I lay my head down on the pillow tonight, praying comfort for those closest to Regena, I can sleep soundly because as the Lord says in Psalm 30:5, weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.

“For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.” – Romans 14:8 ESV